A Survival Guide to Life During the Holidays
When nature calls, give nature a call right back. What better time to rediscover the splendor of the outdoors than during the crisp and invigorating winter months? With bathroom space at a premium, you might as well start cultivating your rep as the family eccentric.
There are a number of deflectionary topics perfectly suited toward diverting a family conversation away from your romantic exploits (or lack thereof):
Shameless Host Praising: wouldn't you like to take this opportunity to thank [totally deserving family member] for hosting this get-together?
FOOTBALL. Oh man, isn't [team] [adjective]?
That One Movie. Wasn't it [fill in the blank]?
ICE (In Case of Emergency): insert inflammatory religious/political comment here.
A) Know the vitals:
He's left-handed, prefers berries with his Cap'n Crunch, and likes the word "shawty."
B) Body language is your friend:
Make eye contact, but not too much; deploy frequent head-nods.
C) Deploy backup if necessary:
"You really should be helping out in the kitchen, shouldn't you?"
The first step is not to panic. Error messages are a very natural and normal part of using Internet Explorer.
Try to imagine the crash windows as a swarm of bees—attempting to close them will only enrage them further, so it's best if you just leave them alone.
"It's like an imaginary Elks Lodge where members haze each other with information."
Works like a charm.
Close eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine yourself without legs. Works particularly well after an elixir of warm milk, NyQuil, and bourbon.
Sometimes gin and tonics will do the trick, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Dig your old family shoebox out of the closet and use your fancy new iPhone app, Shoebox, to quickly scan old photos and put them online. Not only is this the best way to get the real family dirt, you'll be glad to have these photos later when reminiscing about your awkward high school self.
Like your aunt's broccoli-and-apricot salad, familio-political debate is generally healthy, but few people enjoy it.
Try and make it into a mutually unsatisfying game. For every point agreed upon by both parties, each participant throws a coin or bill into the pot. At the end of the debate/conversation, the pot is split equally. You both lose!
The Red-Nosed Reindeer:
Mix cheap beer and hot sauce to taste. Garnish with a maraschino cherry (or 2 red Lifesavers), cashews and a red licorice straw.
The Holidaredevil:
Mix cheap beer and orange juice to taste. Garnish with a microwaveable taquito and/or questionable energy supplement.
The Tittering Tippler:
Mix cheap beer and mouthwash to taste. Garnish with a baseball card and a sprig of beef jerky.
ShoeBox by 1000memories is the fastest way to scan old photos with an iPhone and share them with your family & friends.
When you're back home this holiday season, bring your albums, scrapbooks, and photo-filled "shoeboxes" out of the closet and into an online, shareable space where they can be shared with your family and friends. More details here.
As featured by: 